Monday, 30 May 2011

Useless bankers and sainted soldiers

Hmm - now whatever happened to all those wanky bankers and financial wizards who were supposedly entering teaching following their messing up of the world's economy? Has anyone ever met one in the staff room. I am genuinely interested to know the numbers on this or whether it was just more government and media bollocks.

...and weren't there supposed to be squads of sainted ex-soldiers coming into sort out discipline too? Again, anyone with any insight on that I would be interested to know. After all the boys I teach  like a good virtual shoot up and walked around with barely concealed tumescence after Bin Laden was executed. I don't doubt that for some of them it may be a good thing...

...opps there goes my inner Daily Mail again.

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Conjecture, deadwood and apathy

TWH displaying superhero powers
Now as Ofsted has cited Chavmouth Academy is a happy, smiley,  outstanding place to be with lots of happy, smiley outstanding teachers a critical mass of whom are discontentedly muttering plots to leave. If the hot air is not standard oft heard whinging teacher tripe, there is soon to be a worrying dearth of experienced middle rank teachers who just want to get out as TWH continues to develop such superhero leadership skills of distance and invisibility. Inevitably this has lead to much conjecture as to what he intends to do with his new found powers as one of Gove's Academy leaders. Being teachers none of the conjecture is positive. That would take the fun out it.

So TWH has  left  the boring mundane matters of running an outstanding academy to the over-promoted lieutenants a number of whom are younger, less competent and experienced than me...not that I am pushing for a promotion mind. That said they are all overseen by TWH's eyes and ears - the fearsome office manageress known,  by those longer in the tooth, somewhat unfairly as Hattie Jacques. A summons from Hattie is never welcome. No, I am happy (if as seems likely that I have to stay here) to work my passage to rise to exhalted ranks of the old git deadwood in their comfy cardigans or  ill-fitting catalogue dresses, who seem quite serene in the micro-staffroom doing the crossword and contemplating their Saga holiday brochures over a nice cup of Ovaltine and a digestive.

...and it is the near dead among us  who cannot believe the apathy of the youngsters regarding the raping of pensions by the ideogue sons of Thatcher with their inherited millions who will never need one. They cannot believe the lack of anger, fight or cojones in them. About 20 turned up for a joint union meeting at the school (there are about 100 staff) and only two others turned up at the district meeting. Unless I am mistaken, it seems the narrative of nonsense spread by Dave, Gideon and the press that it's all Labour's fault....and we are all in it together has been swallowed by those more likely to vote in talent shows and read gossip mags than be concerned about the massive fucking over (as they say in academe) that we are receiving. That's it - my apolitical, apathetic younger Facebooking, XFactor voting, celeb watching colleagues all of whom are in a Union and can't be bothered to vote for what's good for them. Ah well, how British...sorry how English.

You get what you deserve in the end I suppose.

Saturday, 21 May 2011


...and that was that.

The malfunctioning Wise Head made an announcement over the malfucntioning tannoy just after lunch for the malfunctioning Year 11s to gather outside and well, bugger off. That was that. Five years of alleged education marked by a brief announcement and the Year 11s told not to return apart from exams.

Cynical minds immediately thought that it had nothing to do with the  private study they wouldn't do and everything to do with the absenteeism of the Year 11s having a poor impact on the stats that Ofsted so like...and as an Outstanding Academy that would never do so losses were cut. Probably.

So, various shocked 11s meanedered around the Academy (as it must be called) all afternoon huggingly loving one another, screaming OMG and saying sheepish good-byes to fellow colleagues who pretended that they would be missed.

Sadly but inevitably I got into old git mood and remembered the times past when the kids would, at the very least, get thier Asda shirts signed or have some kind of formal leaving. Failing that they would get to lob flour and eggs around the place and trash classrooms,  generally they would have something to remember. This, the first year of the academy was crap. Sure it may not be so important but yet again I think we failed our kids.

Thursday, 19 May 2011

Strike ballot

Agree or disagree with it just bloody well vote. Most of the unions are up for it apart from the NASUWT who knows what they are thinking? Even the heads are up for protecting the pension or deferred salary which is another way of looking at the paltry sums squirrelled away for the exciting looking gardening and Saga years. Some of the meetings I have attended  present eyebrow-raising stats and give the lie to the we are all in it together bollocks filched from High School Musical by the olegenious creep Cameron. They have made the odd u-turn so another is possible. That said whinging teacher bashing is always popular and, if my BSFed micro-staff room is anything to go by, most of my colleagues are very apolitical and actually believes the nauseating narrative of nonsense spouted by Davey boy and his whimpering fag Nick (sit Nick, beg Nick, cry Nick, bend over Nick, self-destruct in a puff of pointlessness Nick) and of course the wailing press with its own partial agenda.

The National Audit Office says the teacher's pension is affordable, it is in fact when which contributes rather than drains the public purse so any arguments claiming we need to cut back are spurious. I can think of many other ways of saving cash...hey, anyone need a consultant?

Still 90% of us are in a union, 40% is the next most unionised. Thatch didn't bend us to her will but the new academies with their own employment terms and conditions might well do. Nationally agreed rates will be undermined by unaccountable heads. It is thoroughly within the realms of feasibility that a condition of employment will include not being a member of a union. It is completely logical in the brains of these right wing nut jobs.

So pay attention, don't be cowed and remember working together and  being in a union does have its advantages so get your vote out.

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Bin Laden

My Yr 11 boys were most excitedly lumbering around tumescently rubbing their thighs and  scratching themselves as they recounted in steamy excitement the execution of the snaggle tooth, gimlet eyed, hook-handed bearded Muslamic Bad Guy as it was  jus like Black Ops level 8 innit which they were playing to 5.00am a week before their meaningless exams which provide a leg up to their meaningless drug taking, unemployable, incessently irrevocably reproductive futures. So rather than try to explain the last two year's work that they hadn't done, the scrotati and I discussed the meaning of shades of grey while the slapperati sent illiterate texts to their equally bored friends in other classes and updated their very important Facebook status whilst discussing the names they intend  to inflict upon their as yet unborn spawn. Suffice to say Osama wasn't among the names. Too many syllables.

Yes, English education at the cutting edge...I love it.

Tuesday, 3 May 2011

Uptight and English

Uniform – another perpetual whinge but the enlightened former wise head (EFWH) did the right thing by allowing a summer uniform. No ties or top buttons to get excited about and a generally more relaxed atmosphere around the place as more time can be spent attempting to teach rather than getting the buggers to do their top buttons or tuck in their shirts. As I remember uniform check wasn't part of the  PGCE and just causes friction. Many teachers are more laissez-faire about it while other are not thus creating inconsistensies and giving TWH something else to send edicts down on. A load of old cojones in my opinion - the French, Germans and Yanks get by without uniform and do not appear to have done to badly without one...and what is it about schools with or without rubbish inbred semi-criminal intake that makes heads froth about ‘pride in uniform?’ Girls in ties? Now outside of dubious mags and websites for the one-handed the insistence on such a requirement seems all very uptight English and slightly weird...or maybe that’s just me.

Social fascist: Part 76

 ...and the wiser heads than mine are wisely reincorporating one of our fine and wonderful school refusers who was farmed out to a unit for such school ruiners last year...and now they are trying to cattle prod him back in. Inclusion. What a great idea. We have also taken a brace of septic sisters that the neighbouring county cannot handle. TWH will doubtless be receiving a wheelbarrow of used fivers for the Outstanding Academy. Yes, the more I think of it the more at ease I am becoming with my inner Daily Mail. I have accepted that social fascism is an inevitable part of the ageing teacher process and I am now quite comfortable spouting off all sorts of nonsense that I would have caused me poured caustic soda down my throat all those years back when I started out.

The various feral arseholes who are allowed to mess up the education of others with little consequence of value need to be educated in separate units to concentrate on getting basic skills like well basic communication such as speaking rather than grunting, swearing and shouting. Should it really be all that amazing that our new intake of Poles are generally more articulate than our own little Chavlets? Sure, other schools do such things but for reasons beyond most of the staff TWH seems reluctant to go down that road. Little wonder that many longer stay colleagues are bailing out this year. A sense of losing the dressing room is building up...

Just like Black Ops

Well, that’s that then – Bin Laden blasted in a scene out of Black Ops or so I’m told by the sweaty palmed teenboys. The world is doubtless a better place without the bearded bandit and his brand of the religion of peace but in my wet liberal teachery way I would much rather have seen him arguing his case in front of the judge. Ah well, bam bam splash and so ends the life of a creature partially of Uncle Sam’s making and it was fairly clean as these things go. That said it would be nice to see the denizens of the renegade Bush / Cheney gang being hauled up to answer for their own brand of terrorism and war crimes but that ain’t going to happen. Two sides of the same coin of violence but what do I know I am a humble educator of an unpopular subject (one which requires basic thinking skills and open mind) surrounded either by increasingly pregnant colleagues or mumbling murmuring ones unhappy about being told off by TWH and SLT who are, in turn, still worried about a snap SEAL style OFSTEDing caused by attendance figures that have been bent to an extent that would make an Italian accountant blush in profound embarrassment.