Saturday, 16 October 2010

What's in a name?

Way back in the last century when I first began my sacred vocation I found it was easy enough to judge the quality of a class by the given names. Back in the 90s before inclusion scumbag spotting as it was known was an integral part of the first term of the PGCE. Look it up. It was drummed into us that a Wayne, Darren, Luke, Troy, Michalea, Leanne or Kayleigh in your class was always going to be a gobby furrowed browed handful with a propensity for anger, violence and smoke crusted BO and possibly nits.  Whilst Peter (but not Pete), Martin, Timothy (usually small), Katherine, Sarah or Elizabeth (but not Lizzie) were always going to remain fragrantly anonymous and possibly hard-working which wasn't really important so long as they didn't get dragged into the morass of failure and degradation by their piss-poor problem child colleagues.During the second term advanced surname spotting was an invaluable course all very useful for the surname was often a clue as to the fine upstanding peaceful and co-operative Roma or Traveller contingent who we always looked forward to teaching.  


The more advanced could take a course in foreign names -  Mohammeds for example could go either way depending on whether they were still Mohammed or whether they had adopted the cooler monkier Mo. Effnik kids we soon observed, war torn qat chewing Somalis knife weilding and gun toting aside, lived up to the well-honed cliche of being fine, hard-working, more motivated, ambitious, intelligent and articulate than the feral underclass from the sink estates even if they couldn't utter a word of English on arrival.


Having been awa the fashions have changed and down here in Grimmouth-sur-Mer where time moves more slowly the tattooed and multi-pierced Darrens and Leannes have drunkenly spawned a swathe of gelled up grunting Jordans, Mitchells, Bradleys and Ryans along with a  cohort of defiant, shouty junior harpies named Jasmin, Chelsea, Bacardi, Aleesha who fulfil the same worthy purpose of instantly gratifying the prejudice of middle class teachers and EWOs.  Spelling also seems to have become voluntary and some half wits have foisted their spawn with initials instead of a name. The example of France should be followed, as in so many areas, with the idiot parents having their license to breed removed and their children put up for adoption to nice middle class families and rebranded Harry and Emily. 

You know it makes sense.

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